Mommy body June 15, 2009

I was aware that my body would not magically regain its pre-pregnancy shape after I gave birth, despite me wishing it to.  However,  I was not prepared for how drastically different my body would be.  It is two months later and I still have roughly 15 lbs of my pregnancy weight to lose (I gained 45).  I am sick to death of all those women in the mommy forums saying how they gained only 10 lbs during pregnancy and are now wearing their old bikinis from college because breast feeding helped them lose so much weight!  Are you kidding me with this?  I know for some women that this is probably true, but there seems to be an inordinate number of them in those chat rooms.  All I can think is that someone is lying….hmmmm…..

As for me, I refuse to lie about pregnancy, birth or motherhood.  I felt duped by the cult of misinformation surrounding those three topics and I would like my friends and family to be more well-informed than I.  So here’s the low down: I swelled up everywhere.  I gained water weight at such an alarming rate that  I know have stretch marks all over my body, not just my tummy.  My legs, arms, hips, and butt swelled so fast that I now have reminders of that lovely, bloated time in my pregnancy.  And while the weight is coming off (I have ankles again, thank God!), the stretch marks remain.

I’m also not going to pretend that things are in the places they were before.  My breasts are larger than ever and now that I’m breast feeding they are beginning to feel the effects of gravity.  It makes me sad to see my absolute need for a bra.  It also solidifies my place among mothers.  My hips also scream motherhood, as they were once considered curvaceous and now may just be called…wide!  I do realize that a baby made its way out through them, and yes, it is probably a blessing that God endowed me with such motherly proportions, yet I still sigh when I see the growing distance between my waist and my ever widening hips.  Once upon a time, my figure was described as “hourglass”, and these days I am beginning to look like an exact replica of one (not the slender, Day’s of our lives ones, but the bulbous ones that sit on chic mantle pieces).

To top it all off I am in the middle of the “wedding years”, in which nearly all of my friends, cousins, college roommates, co-workers, etc are getting married.  On top of these are the endless bridal showers, bachelorette parties, engagement parties, not to mention the usual spring/summer events of graduations and parental celebrations. The problem with all of this is that my old pre-pregnancy clothes don’t fit yet and I refuse to wear my maternity dresses any longer, so I’m being forced to purchase nearly an entirely new wardrobe of event attire.  To add insult to injury, my hourglass figure now makes this even more difficult than it was before.  Plus I have to consider any breast feeding that may need to happen.  So all of my dressy clothes have to be somewhat stretchy.  Ugh! Not easy to find

Gummed Up June 9, 2009

As if the life of a two month old was not frustrating enough, C seems to be teething?!?!  He had been fussy for about a week before I even thought to look in his mouth.  I mean, he’s two months old and far too young for teeth to be debuting.  Or so I thought.  Yet, there on his gums, as if to spite me, were two very red, very angry looking tooth buds.  Poor baby!  Once this realization dawned, his Nana ran out immediately to get him some baby Orajel, hoping that at last we had found the solution to his fussy behavior.  How upset she was when she returned from the store with only the extra diapers she had bought on a whim and none of the necessities she had gone in search of.  Back to the store, this time with C’s auntie in tow, just to make sure Nana returned with ALL her purchases.

At last Nana returns and we look at the instructions for the baby Orajel.  It seems pretty straightforward…except it does not have any directions for two month olds!  “Under fourth months ask physician for instructions”  What?!?  It’s Saturday!  I may as well not have a physician with all the luck I would have tracking one down on a weekend.  Now what? Do I risk it and just put a small amount on his gums without the recommended referral?  Or do I try to find someone to direct me?

Since I am a first time mom, and thus obliged to be nervous, I call my pediatrician’s office.  I remember her mentioning something about a nurses’ hot-line.  Ok, so I call.  Yes, the office is closed. Yes, I know no one is there to answer my call.  No, this is not an emergency.  No, I don’t want to leave a message, I want an answer now!  Oh wait! I’m out of options!  Go back, go back!….But no, no reset button.

OK…maybe the almighty Internet can help me.  “Nurses free hot-line”  and Google! Nearly all the results are Canadian!  Damn Canucks and their free socialized medicine.  Thoughts race through my mind: Should I try to call one of the numbers anyways? Will I have to prove I’m Canadian? Should I look up a fake address to give them?  Will they now I’m calling from the US?  How long would it take just to fly to Vancouver?  Why oh why was I born in America? I would have gladly traded my allegiance at that moment if it would just stop my baby from crying.  Since citizenship changes take more than mere minutes, I’ll try something else.  I’ll Google my pediatrician.  Hey! She has a website!  Hurrah!  Ok, background info…oh look, she has kids too….office hours….FAQs, perfect! If I have a question when the office is closed, call and select the first emergency option. Huh?

I don’t know about you, but I’m hesitant to label things an emergency.  Teething, while painful for both baby and parent, does not seem to qualify as an emergency.  Well, hell! I’ll just call and do as directed…..miracle of miracles! The nurses hot-line is connected!  YES! Finally some medical advice.  The nurse seems very surprised that my two month old is teething.  I want to scream.  But I don’t.  OK, yes, he’s young, I get it.  What about the orajel? Let’s just get down to it!  OH, don’t use the orajel.  awesome…..Use baby Tylenol.  Which is at home, and not at Nana’s house.  ARGH!!!!  Is this yet one more thing for the already over-full diaper bag?  Should I just get a diaper suitcase?

Finally the voice of reason speaks up, Papa says just use the orajel.  Fine, I will go against the nurse’s advice.  And low and behold, it worked.  Baby stopped crying, mommy took a much needed nap, and days later he lives (despite the damn nurse’s advice).

To round out this story, we went to the pediatrician’s for his two month checkup and I proudly informed her I had diagnosed C as teething.  Imagine her surprise that a two month old would be teething.  Imagine my surprise when she informed me that it wasn’t actually the teeth that were causing the problem.  No, it was only his tooth buds, the teeth are not ready to come out yet…dear Lord, help me!

2 months today June 9, 2009

Well, my son (C) hit the two month mark today!  Hurrah! I managed not to kill him.  What a relief!

I thought perhaps I would start chronicling motherhood, posting about things other parents may be going through, went through, etc.  Perhaps it will become a place to gather or give advice; a place to commiserate or complain; a place for common joys and sorrows.  Perhaps it will merely be a way for me to chronicle the life of my first born and my own personal journey in motherhood.

Without going into the details of the first two months of life, I’ll just begin with his two month checkup.  Little  C was born 6 lb 12 oz and left the hospital at 6 lb 6 oz.  As of today he weighed in at an even 11 lb!  I can’t believe that he’s put on nearly 5 lbs in two months.  If that were not amazing enough, he’s gone from his birth length of 19 inches to just over 23!  Unbelievable.  He’s quickly out growing all of his 3 month footie pajamas, so I had an inkling that he was much longer than I realized.  But I had no idea he’d be nearly two feet long! And as excited as I am that he is healthy and growing, I can see the future laid out in front of me as he continues to stretch out at an alarming rate.  I can see shoes and pants discarded after mere months of wear, fridges emptied in a single day, mattresses growing longer and longer.  I’ll try not to skip too far ahead.  Instead, I’ll just begin to put away his 3 month clothes one at a time, but not until he’s stretched them as far as possible.  Perhaps the strength  of the fabric will keep his little legs in check for just a bit longer.

Striken March 3, 2009

As if pregnancy was not enough to keep me from my regular life, I have been striken with whatever cold it is that is currently stalking the populace.  So now I worry if each new symptom is something possibly deadly and pregnancy related.  Is the headache a sign of congestion or a sign that I have pre-eclampsia?  Is the fever a sign of infection or a sign that perhaps I’m cooking my baby from the inside?  Is this list of symptoms a sign that I am merely affected with a cold or is my body slowly killing my baby!?!?!?

Sigh….somebody should have warned me about pregnancy.  My next post will be exposing the cult of pregnancy and how wrong everyone is!

Pregnancy Diet February 9, 2009

Let me begin by saying I miss sushi!  I also desperately miss diet coke.  I have successfully avoided alcohol since the day I found out I was expecting, but I have not been so hard and fast on the caffeine rule.  I stayed caffeine free through my entire first trimester and most of my second.  That being said, now that I am in my third, I am indulging in small amounts of caffeine, primarily in iced tea.  The chocolate I have been eating all along does not count, not even a little.

Speaking of which, I have never had much of a sweet tooth, until now.  I must have something sweet everyday, or sometimes a couple times a day!  I find myself craving candy I haven’t had in years: gummy worms, sour apple rings, cherry jellybeans.  But most of all I crave chocolate, anything and nearly everything chocolate.  A phone call to my husband at the end of the work day will usually consist of asking him a) what time he’ll be home for dinner; b) could he pick me up some bottled water (or sprite or gatorade); c) and while he’s at the store could he get me some chocolate?  He’s usually quite good about it and often brings me the giant size of whichever candy bar he happens to select.  It was this way I discovered that those giant Snicker’s bars almost fill me up as much as meal!  A very yummy, carmelly, melty, chocolaty meal!

As you might have guessed from the above statement, it doesn’t take much to fill me up these days.  My son is growing quickly inside me, which has caused all of my organs to take up residence in my rib cage.  This does not allow for the large, fullfilling meals I crave.  I find that though I am gaining weight as though I am eating a large Honeybaked ham nearly everyday, I am in fact only capable of eating a slice or two of said ham.  My small stomach also doesn’t cooperate with my indecisive palatte.  I find that at restaurants I want to order nearly everything on the menu, but should I order an appetizer and a dinner, I will end up taking at least half my dinner home and there is no way my poor, drooling mouth will even get a nibble of dessert.

All that being said, I do not have the crazy cravings you hear about pregnant women having.  No pickles and ice cream for me!  I did dip a french fry in a milkshake a couple weeks ago, but I did that as a kid, so does that count?  It seems that only my love of certain foods has grown.  I want and love Mexican food more than ever!  I enjoy my red meat far more than ever expected!  I try to have some kind of frozen yogurt, cheese, or ice cream every day.  I still have two months to go, so we’ll see if any of those strange cravings crops up.  In the meantime, I’ll be enjoying my hamburgers, chocolate, and nachos!

Update February 6, 2009

Well, it’s been nearly a year since I posted anything here, so here is the update on my life.

I’m currently 8 months pregnant!  If you’ve read my blog before you’ll know that I was battling various illnesses about a year ago and the doctors told me that pregnancy would not be easy for me, nor, perhaps, even possible.  The good news is this: the doctors were wrong!  Not only have I recovered from my various maladies, but I became easily pregnant.

In fact, it was so easy, that it was actually a surprise.  My husband and I did not plan on getting pregnant for at least another year.  Instead, we found out shortly after our 1st anniversary that I was already a month pregnant.  At first I was terrified, distraught, maybe even a little angry.  This was not the plan!!  But looking at everything the doctors had been telling me for a year and how lucky I was to have a husband, a home, a job, those emotions quickly faded away.

It’s now 7 months later and though I am no less terrified at becoming a mother, I am in love with this baby growing daily inside me.  He (yes he’s a he) will be here in early April (hopefully).  I’m happy he’ll be here so much sooner than planned.  I have to rely on the belief that there are somethings that are meant to happen at certain times.  With that in mind, I am looking forward to seeing my little guy’s face.  It’s just 8 weeks away!

I’ll be keeping everyone informed on the last two months of my pregnancy via this blog, so keep your eyes peeled for upcoming posts.

Book Club Review #2 February 12, 2008

Well another book club has come and gone.  This time our book was My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.  Now, I have read other books by Picoult, so I felt I knew what to expect.  I was not disappointed.

Ms. Picoult is an expert on creating a fascinating story.  The bare bones of her novels never disappoint.  The stories she creates are always compelling and My Sister’s Keeper was no exception.  In this novel, Picoult brings the reader a fascinating story of a family in turmoil as a daughter struggles with a rare form of lukehemia.  What makes it fascinating though, is not the character’s, Kate’s, fight against this disease, but her sister’s (Anna’s) fight for independence.  The real crux of the story is that Anna was conceived to be a genetically perfect match for her sister, thus providing Kate with the blood, tissues, etc. she would need to conquer her illness.

Picoult masterfully weaves the stories of all the characters in what is, at times, a heart wrenching novel.  We see the story from the perspective of each family member, with the exception of Kate, and even the perspectives of Anna’s attorney in her fight for medical emancipation and a court appointed guardian.  The story complicates itself at some points by involving the latter two, whom are not only involved with this terribly intricate court case, but were involved with each other as teenagers.  Apparently their’s was a true love that did not fade with the passing of 15 years since they’ve been apart.  While the perspecitives of these two is interesting since it provides an outsiders view into the world of this dysfunctional family, it is overly emotional as each flashback to their teenage romance.

The main story telling device of this novel is the first person perspective.  While this is a useful and intimate narration, Picolout pulls out one of her tricks by having nearly half of each character’s chapter be a flashback to some emotionally telling exeperience.  At times these flashbacks are revealing of a character’s motivations, and at others this is an overly cheesy way to pull at the reader’s heartstrings.  As typical for Picolout the narrations swing between fascinating, fast moving story telling, and overly emotional, hit you over the head symbolism, drivel.

I did enjoy this novel for it’s interesting story, but as usual I was disappointed by Picoult’s overly obvious literary devices and cheesy romances.  As a law geek I loved the court aspect of this novel! Yet as an overly sympathetic reader, I couldn’t see this from every perspective, only the moral incorrectness of it.  To cap it all off with, the ending is somewhat of a doozie and I will leave that to you, dear reader, to determine if you like it or.  As for this reader, I felt a myriad of emotions only truly evoked when a story has touched my heart, as cheesy as that is. 

A Very Bad Case February 12, 2008

My attention to this blog, as well as many other things has faltered of late. I’m not reading as often as I usually do, my interest in books has flagged. My usual attention to household duties is distracted and everywhere dust bunnies are appearing, laundry is piling up, dry cleaning sits in the back seat of my car. Even my fastidious beauty and fashion habits fell to the wayside. I no longer apply all my creams and lotions at night or in the morning. I bought a pretty new purse that I did bother to put my old things into it until this weekend! What is wrong with me?

And I realized, it’s that time of year. Usually two or three times a year I get a very bad case of wanderlust. My mother-in-law attributes this to the fact that I come from a long line of sailors, including my great great grandfather, captain of his own ship. Since then, at least one in every generation has become a sailor, until these last two. Maybe it skips generations, or maybe others in my family feel the same urges. But all I know, is that a couple times a year all I want to do is go.

Go where? It honestly doesn’t matter.  I want to sleep in a bed that isn’t mine and wake up to a room I don’t have to clean.  I want to eat at free breakfast buffets and swim in heated pools.  I want the flutter in my stomach as I board a plane going anywhere.  I want the excitement of seeing new things, visiting different attractions, wandering unknown streets.

I spend a good part of every day thinking of new places to go.  I fantasize about trips to exotic, romantic, or mundane places.  I’ve never been to the Northwest or any where in the South.  I can easily imagine myself in driving from small town to town along some dusty, lonesome highway, staying in eccentric bed and breakfasts or chitchy motels.  I can clearly envision myself sitting at a counter in some far off place, sipping coffee while I sample the local specials and pour over guide books.  I can see myself on the move.

So where does these day dreams leave me most days?  With hours lost and wasted, chores ignored, writing left half done.  But at least I have those fantasies.  At least I have my imagination in which to wander distant shores.  Until I can move where the wind takes me, I’ll contain my lust to dreams.

A Genetic Passion for Politics February 5, 2008

I have always felt passionately about politics.  Blame my grandmother, a political junkie.  She was constantly watching various news shows and reading every news magazine available.  It seemed like every time I saw her, my grandmother would have articles clipped out for me or a new book on the Kennedy family or FDR.  Come election time, she would read the full background on every candidate and every ballot measure or bill.  She would read each side of the argument, fully investigating every aspect of every issue.  Granted, she was a New Deal liberal so she leaned forever to the left.  This didn’t keep her from having an open mind.  If she thought some politician was full of crap, she let you know.  This political passion was the reason that while she was alive nearly every person in my family would call her for advice on which way to vote and why.  My grandmother wasn’t just a party line voter so she would always justify her voting advice with solid reasoning.

I attempt to do the same.  However, I am aware I have my biases.  I have my bleeding heart that wants to care for every person and every cause in the country.  I have the desire to make sure everything is fair to all people, not just those in the majority (which is a very unpopular opinion in some circles).  And in the last few years I have become more and more concerned with focusing on domestic policy and caring for our own before we take on the rest of the world.   And I’ve found a growing concern for fiscal conservatory on behalf of the government mixed with the need to see social programs run successfully.

And yet with all of these political views and desires, I find it increasingly frustrating to discuss politics with people who disagree.  I feel like the majority of people, on either side, who feel strongly about their politics have difficult time engaging the other side in civilized conversation.  There’s no communication between party followers because the belief that one side is so clearly wrong (and that wrongness is often associated with evilness) that it’s impossible to see any common ground.  I also feel like many people are one issue voters and fail to see the big picture, voting only for their own issue and not caring to justify anything else about their party.  For all these reasons, and several more, I find political discussion with opposing view points nearly impossible.

So to wrap this up tonight, I will not urge you to vote one way or another.  I just would like you to vote with  the whole picture and the best interest for the country in mind.  If you can justify voting for one person over another, then vote for them!  Most importantly, just vote!!

Not Intended for Actual Diseases January 26, 2008

Roughly 10% of the US adult population suffers from some various form of depression. It may be anxiety based or mood based. It may be moderate and affected only certain times of year by seasonal changes or it may be severe and require constant attention, drug and talk therapy. It may be undiagnosed until late in life or present and obvious since adolescence. In short, millions of Americans suffer from this disease (since it is not “the blues” or something that can be wished away), but so little is offered to help this portion of the population.

There are a variety of reasons for this that would take too long to delve into in one short blog post; there are entire books on the subject. Instead I wanted to focus on the multitude of self help books out there right now that are focusing on “happiness.” These books instruct the reader on a variety of ways to feel happier in their day to day life. Each book has its own special strategy: force yourself to smile more and you’ll feel happier! say to yourself everyday “I am a happy person” and you will be! try small amounts of kindness/pampering/exercise/insert innocuous activity here every day and you’ll feel happier! And then in small print somewhere on the back insert or credits page “not intended for actual depression.”

Not intended for actual depression? What is then? Who are they marketing these books to? Are there millions upon millions of readers out there who are suffering a daily unhappiness that nags at them so deeply they feel compelled to buy a book about it? And are these people without the tell tale signs of depression? If the authors have such great ideas on helping reasonably happy people feel happier, couldn’t they put a little effort towards helping clinically unhappy people feel moderately happy? Why is depression excluded from these books? Would it be so hard to add one chapter about those who suffer from this disease and things they might do to help themselves?

I think part of the author’s fear is that someone with undiagnosed depression, or even diagnosed and desperate for help, will read this book and not achieve the success it guarantees. This failure to achieve happiness may be just another nail in the coffin of their depression.

So where can people turn if they are depressed or suffering from depression? There aren’t really a lot of places to turn. There is drug therapy, which is helpful for some sufferers and not others. There is talk therapy or counseling, which is proven to be the most helpful for all patients, but is expensive. And after that what is there left for people to turn to?

You may ask, dear reader, why those suffering from depression who are receiving treatment would need something else? Shouldn’t the pills they take everyday turn them into normal, happy people? One would like to think so, dear reader, but that is not the case. There is no 100% cure for depression, no guarantee that therapy or drugs will work forever in every situation. The loss of a job for a normal person might be hard to deal with, but a person suffering from depression might find the situation heartbreaking and impossible to navigate. So if they had been taking drugs or attending therapy, they should be better equipped to deal with it. Still it could send them into a deep depression even with the drugs and therapy. So what do they do now? What tools are there left for these people to employ?

Now that is only one example of a situation in which a depressed person might need assistance. But the truth of the matter is that some depressed people need help on a day to day basis. Drugs and therapy alone may not be enough for them to conquer their daily battles with the disease. They need something more to help them lead a happy and healthy life. But what is there?

In my experience, I have found only one group that offers help beyond these two types of therapy. It’s called Recovery, Inc. It was founded by Dr. Lowe over 50 years ago, when even less was known about mental illness, such as depression, than today. This group runs today in several countries, and in this country nationwide. They offer meetings for those seeking help in the form of moral support from other people just like them. Or they have several books on the subject of how to combat the daily effects of living with a mental illness. These techniques are meant to be used in conjunction with traditional therapy. I have read a few of the books myself and found several techniques helpful. While the language is a bit antiquated and the examples can be sometimes hard to follow, I have found that I could identify a few techniques that would help in my own struggle with the disease.

This may not be for everyone, but I thought that if there was just one person out there like me, looking for a way to deal with the day to day of living with metal illness, then I thought, it was worth writing about. You, dear reader, may not need help or you may find your deal with your unhappiness successfully. But, dear one, you may know someone who needs help. You may know someone who wants to pick up those self help books that aren’t intended for actual depression. You may know someone looking for that little something extra to make their life better. Maybe you could help them towards Recovery.