Posts Tagged ‘identity’


It’s been like breathing under water this last year. There were moments of panic, feeling the air leave my lungs and frantically looking for something to fill me with oxygen, if just for a few moments more. I would grope desperately for this or that, thinking this would be finally be the thing that saved me. At last I had found a way out of this underwater hell. I would finally be able to breath again; the panic would subside and I would find my way to the surface.

But every new idea I grasped would elate me for minutes, maybe days, before dissolving in my fingers. More ideas swirled just beyond my finger tips, glimmering in the water, offering the hope that this next one would lead the way to salvation. Yet, the glimmers proved only to reflected light without light itself; ideas that reflected my desires, without actually meeting them.

It may appear that this last desire, to return to school and become a librarian, is just one more desperate grasp in the dark. Yet that is not the case. This glimmer I reached for and found not an air bubble in my hand, but instead I found my hand bursting through the surface, reaching higher into the air. I found not a few minutes of air, but at last a release into the wide open air. Finally, I find I can breath again.


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The other day a friend asked me if I was the type of person who sets goals and starts projects, but lets them fall to the wayside, whether I was the type of person who lacked follow through. And the answer to that is a simple yes.

I am that person.

There is so much I would like to accomplish, specifically in reference to my writing, yet I cannot force myself to follow through on any novel I start or on any promise I make to myself. So it got me wondering about why that is.

Why don’t I follow through on my goals? Why can’t I push myself to abide by any plans I lay out?

And I don’t think there is a simple answer. It’s a question I’ve been dealing with in various ways for the past year. It’s the question of why I have such a hard time deciding my own fate and future. I’ve been struggling to find myself, both personally and professionally. And while I feel I discover myself a little more every day, I am still quite a long way from fully knowing the answers.

I know that this feeling of constant searching has affected my ability to follow through on plans and achieve any goals I set for myself. The quest for self discovery is so draining in and of itself that I haven’t been doing many things I enjoy. I don’t read as often, I don’t go out to movies as much as I would like, etc. I feel exhausted all the time with the combination of my mystery illness and my search for a career.

The good news is, that since writing the first part of this post, I have finally decided what I would like to do. It’s something I’ve thought about for a long time, and always kept in the back of my mind. I’ve decided to go back to school to get my Masters in Library and Information Sciences. That’s right! I’m going to be a librarian.

While this may not be the most glamorous career, I’m incredibly excited. It’s a career that I feel would fit my needs very well, both as a literary addict and as a public servant. I would get to spend my days surrounded by books and information, while helping a public to find anything they are looking for. I could help to organize reading hours for toddlers or book clubs for women or do literary outreach to senior citizens. I’ll be able to still teach, but my students will be people who are really looking for help, whether it is with literacy or information about certain topics. I haven’t felt this excited about anything like this in years, possibly since college.

So along with the end of my quest has come the feeling of relief. Now I’ll just have to follow through with my plans to return to school in the next 6 months. if it sounds like I’m slipping, remind me to follow through!

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