Today’s post is in honor of Penny Lane, my 5 year old boxer-shepherd mix. Her knee injury and surgery have had me thinking (and worrying) a lot about my first dog, who in all honesty has been like my first child. So here’s a nod to how much she has meant to me.
We adopted Penny Lane from a shelter when she was just over a year old. The alternating abuse and neglect was painfully obvious on her starved body and nervous behavior. She was so frightened the day we brought her home that she tried to hide from us and sleep behind a bush in the garden. Granted, it had been an extremely hard day as Penny had been “fixed”, sick, and moved around by strangers. I couldn’t blame her for wanting to hide, to just be left alone. I had been there too.
In fact, I had been there all too often. As many of you know, I was diagnosed with Depression as a teenager and spent many years battling the mental illness as I struggled under its oppressive weight. I fought to find out who I was as someone with a mental illness, as someone who depended on medication to maintain a steady emotional state, and what that all meant for my identity as a young woman.
I rebelled against my illness (and my medication) all too often in my early 20s, not wanting to be defined by a disease or dependent on medication to be “normal”. I indulged in alcohol and an often reckless lifestyle to self-medicate or just to feel ok for a few hours. Nothing worked like my medication, but still I refused to take it regularly, causing me to plummet into the dark reaches of depression.
The fall after we adopted Penny I decided that I didn’t need to take my medication, yet again, as I was living with my fiance, in my own home, with a steady job. Why did it need to take a pill when everything was fine and stable? I abandoned the medication and therapy regimen, cocky in my happiness and current mental health.
What I failed to take into consideration was that though my work was steady, it was by no means making me happy. In truth, I hated it. I hated teaching my sophomore and senior English classes, despite my love of all things literature. I hated looking into the vacuous eyes of the seniors who had checked out before the year had even begun; or into the cocky, bratty faces of my sophomores who were oh-so confident of their knowledge and place in the world. I hated practically begging them to do their work, to pay attention. I had been teaching for three years at this point and I had known by the end of my student teaching that I didn’t want to teach, and yet, I did.
The stress of working at an all-consuming job, like teaching, and dreading every single day is hard enough for those without mental illnesses. For those struggling to maintain an emotional balance, the effect is devastating. And in the end, it devastated me, sending me into a complete breakdown, forcing me to leave my position at the semester. It was an awful, heart-wrenching decision but ultimately it was taken out of my hands when I couldn’t face another day without breaking into tears.
As I recovered from my breakdown, which was a long and arduous process which included returning to therapy and my drug regimen, I looked for things to normalize me. I found Penny.
On the darkest days of my depression, Penny would lay beside me in bed, nuzzling me, licking my tear-stained face. When I was so hurting that I could barely step outside, Penny was happy just to lay on the warm grass in the backyard as I sat, numb, staring into the blue sky.
Yet, I knew it wasn’t fair to keep her locked up with me as I struggled to return to a normal existence. I need that I had to take care of my Penny as she had taken care of me. So that thought drove me into the sunshine or the rain, forcing me out of the house to walk Penny everyday. And just that one effort, that one single act, pushed me to other acts of re-emerging. We went to the store or to the park.
And when I say “we” I literally mean “we”. In those early days when I was as tender as a sunburn, I took Penny with me everywhere, whether by foot or by car. She functioned as a kind of security blanket. And yet, I knew that Penny’s own scarred existence depending on my love and company just as much, healing her as she healed me. Often for that reason alone, that Penny needed me as much as I needed her, I kept moving forward, moving towards healing.
Miraculously, my recovery was just a few months, whereas in the past, severe depression had languished within me for six months, even up to a year. I know with all my heart and all my soul that my recovery is due to Penny. And I know, quite literally, she saved my life from being something far worse than it was. Penny Lane gave me love and with that, she gave me peace of mind.