After tasty treats failed to break my son out of his funk, I knew that the rest of my errands were doomed, because what kid doesn’t like cupcakes? I knew there was something wrong, but what?
C had been tooting away all day, even laughing about it sometimes. Every time I checked his little diaper though, he was clean. So I figured maybe his tummy hurt.
He seemed ok when we were moving, so I took a chance and headed into the mall. Risky, I know.
I needed to make a quick stop at the MAC counter, as I was crushing the remnants of my powder with the end of my brush for use. My hopes for a quick transaction were thwarted, as the girls at the counter were busy with what turned out to be friends and then took their sweet time getting my order and ringing me up. During this time, C is maniacally clutching at his balloon and screeching.
Other customers are giving me dirty looks with every high pitch shriek. They seemed confused as to whether my son is angry or overly excited about his balloon. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference at that point. So I returned their disapproving stares with snarky half-smiles. That’s right, I can be rude if I want to be. It can happen!
I knew was that I needed to get C moving again. As long as we were moving, we were fine. I shot the sales girl a few dirty looks until she finally handed over my product. One more unnecessary question from her and I would have joined in my son’s shrieking.
As soon as we got away from the makeup section and into the main part of the mall, little C seemed fine again. Sure he was squirming, but he’d been squirmy all day. Besides if I stopped the stroller he might explode. It was like I was in a really slow version of Speed, except with a stroller instead of a bus full of strangers. Unfortunately no Keanu Reeves showed up to rescue me.
I just wanted to make one more stop. Just one! I never get to the mall so I was desperate to make it to all the stores I needed to get to.
And I really need some new jeans. Since losing the baby-plus weight my jeans have had that saggy butt thing going on, so I needed to size down (yay!) for nicer occasions than hanging out with my son at the park. If I could just get to the Gap, which as having a buy one get one for $20 sale, my day would be complete!
Oh…if only….
As we entered the store I began shopping as quickly as possible, throwing jeans and sale items over my shoulder with reckless abandon. I was just going to buy them and deal with fitting later but an oh-so-helpful sales person suggested I try on the jeans before I buy them. Fine!! I’ll try them on!
I followed her to the dressing room and start stripping. As soon as my saggy bottom jeans were off C started wailing. Tears streamed down his face. He was fighting the stroller safety belt with all his might!
I let him loose, thinking maybe that would help. I hand him my cellphone so he can use the toddler friendly apps I bought for him. Nothing staunched the flow of tears. In fact, things got worse.
C was now screaming. I managed to get back into my clothes and pick him up. His entire bottom was sagging with the fullest diaper we’ve had in a long time. In fact, some has seeped into his pants. Well, at least I now knew what all the fuss was about!!
I silently cursed C’s inability to communicate and speed walked from the mall with C in my arms, the stroller trailing along behind me.
On the way to the car I’m thinking how I foolishly left the diaper bag in the car, assuming that whatever happened I would be able to get back to the car and change him there as quickly as I could in the mall. I obviously failed to account for blowouts.
All the while, C held on to with a bit of terror as I exited the mall at a dangerous pace. As I approached the doors to exit the mall, I realized I’m at the one mall in America that doesn’t have automatic doors. Instead, the fancy Manhattan Beach shopping village (or whatever the heck they call it), has huge, heavy glass doors. I attempted to back out the door, using my ass as leverage while trying to avoid smashing C into the glass behind me. I violently swing the stroller through the open door and give a sigh a relief. No sooner had the air left my lips than the dang door swung back into place with such force that it caught my sandal on one of its straps, pulling it from my foot.
I gave a tiny jump, hoping no one sees me almost eat it with a baby in my arms. I wanted to curse and stamp and start throwing things at the glass! I think I managed a very loud “SSSSSHHHHOOT!” before grabbing my sandal and shoving what I could back on my foot.
I hobbled to the car as quickly as possible. By the time I reached our aisle, the left half of my foot, where the sandal tore across, feels like it’s on fire. I snatched the sandal from my foot and decided to risk bare-footing it the rest of the way.
Upon reaching the car I left the stroller, which has what I hope is cookie remnants and not poopy on the seat, behind the car and throw open the doors.
I began pulling things out of the diaper bag with reckless abandon. Things are literally flying in the backseat of my car. (On a side note, I couldn’t change him in the nice spacious trunk because it is full of boxes I needed out of the way for staging.) I throw the changing pad down on the seat, which really isn’t all that much space since the car seat is in the middle of the back seat.
Slowly, armed with wipes, I peeled C’s pants off of him and start wiping. Where to put the dirty pants? The parking lot asphalt looks like a good place to keep it.
While I’m trying to find a place to keep the dirty pants, C has stood up on the seat and is now talking to the head-rest. He started pulling things out of the diaper bag beside him, littering the area around his feet. I didn’t want to keep him in this stinky diaper any longer, so I just ignored the mess and got back to changing him.
I pulled the diaper off of him and it was truly horrendous. I wipe and I wipe and I wipe. I felt like I was getting no where. So I wipe and I wipe and I wipe. I get poopy hand. Awesome.
As I freak out over the poop on my hand, the diaper I’d been keeping over my son’s front slips out of my fingers. My little man took this opportunity to pee all over the seat. He even moved it about, making sure to thoroughly coat the whole area, including all the hats and socks he’d pulled out of the diaper bag earlier. Then, looking down at the mess he’d made, C pulled the binkie out of his mouth and dropped it directly on top of the soaking pile.
I slapped the diaper on him so fast I would have made a pit crew proud. I started cleaning the seat. Wiping and wiping and wiping. My hysteria level was rising.
I threw some extra shorts on him, tossed C in the car seat, and addressed the atomic fallout that is my back seat.
Unfortunately, I had no disposable diaper bags with me, so frantically, thinking outside the box, I grabbed my bag from an earlier purchase, dumping everything into a mixing bowl I happened to have in my back seat. Just as my beautiful, new, really-good-deal sweater hits the bowl I remembered. I remembered that I had used that bowl as a water bowl for Dodger just the day before. Well DAMN-IT!
It was too late then, so I just went ahead, dropping the dirty clothes, the loaded diaper and wipes, the pee-pee coated clothing all into the bag.
Having rectified the situation as much as I could, I hobble to the stroller, thankful that no one stole my purse while I was preoccupied. I tossed the stroller into the car, take a few deep breaths, and hit the road.
C enjoyed the ride home, babbling to me about who knows what, but entertaining himself with his stories, while I slowly simmered in my frustration.
Searching for my own entertainment, I turned on some music and was greeted by some random Incubus song that was 5 minutes of crickets.
Maybe it was a good thing, who knows. It did force me to focus on the freaking crickets rather than on my hands that still smelled of poopy or the fact that my new sweater was being covered in dog slobber.
I’d like to tell you that by the time we got home I was relaxed and could laugh at the whole thing. But that would be a lie.
Instead I called my husband at work and yelled at him about my disaster at the mall, ending with a dramatic “DAYS LIKE TODAY ARE THE REASON WE ARE MOVING, SO I NEVER HAVE TO HAVE A DAY ALONE LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!”
I was very dramatic.
C may not remember that day since he is only 16 months od, but I will remember it forever. And maybe, now, you will too.
You’re welcome.
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